Many men reach a certain level of success and achieve their goals only to ask, "Is this all there is?
You're not alone. Let's explore why. 5 min read
During adulthood, we create a life that's an output of childhood programming from our parents and societal expectations.
We often choose the safe and responsible career and life that will prepare us for the future—striving to earn a certain amount and achieve our career goals. At the same time, all our time and energy is focused on completing these goals.
Society has given us a psychological blueprint of what success looks like. The dream of a lovely house, a wife, a stable career and 2.5 children has been constantly sold to us through advertising, governments, and people's highlight reels on social media.
Inside this blueprint, we take on the role of a responsible man. We provide, protect and procreate without consciously understanding why. We are left empty from playing by all the rules and following blindly in the pursuit of perceived success.
How often have you questioned this narrative?
My guess is you have a feeling that something is not right. You achieved your goals and created a life from this blueprint, and it doesn't feel like it should.
Many of the men that I have interviewed and coached over the years feel like a slave to work and the system and have lost sight of what matters to them. They have no idea what they are doing anymore and - why.
They are overwhelmed by the crushing weight of responsibility, stuck in the monotonous day-to-day routine while craving their carefree youth's intimacy, joy, and adventure.
These men are in emotional survival, constantly finding ways to distract and cope with daily life. Their self-worth is crushingly low, and they do not feel inspired, motivated, respected or appreciated.
Societal, cultural and economic limitations have chained us to this narrative, preventing us from expressing our innate talents, realising our potential and fulfilling our purpose.
In Plato's allegory of the cave, he describes prisoners who have been chained all from childhood facing a blank wall, only able to see shadows projected on the wall from people moving objects passing in front of a fire behind them. Over many years, these shadows become prisoners' reality. Even when one of them escapes and sees the real world, he is met with ignorance, criticism, and judgment upon his return to share the truth of their situation.
Our upbringing causes us to believe things without question. The truth of the situation we find ourselves in is hard to bear.
The truth causes cognitive dissonance; our mind finds ways to make sense and justify our situations. We have sophisticated ways of coping with life: stories we tell ourselves, distractions and numbing activities.
What is your current reality vs your expected reality by this age?
I believe many men tick all the societal boxes and strive for success because they chase the feeling of achievement. These men don't feel as expected after achieving the success and the accolades.
Maybe you wanted to feel.
Inspired, Creative
Purposeful, Intimate
Manly, Powerful, Strong
Confident, Self-assurance
Clear on their direction, Respected
Instead, maybe you feel.
Frustration, No confidence
Don't feel respected or appreciated
Lacking worth, Uninspired, Unmotivated
Anxious, Depressed
Unclear, Aimless
Joyless, Directionless
Worthless, Stuck
Are your aspirations and your current reality a match, or do they seem worlds apart? No matter how significant the gap is, there is always hope and time to turn it around at any age.
Reinvention is the solution.
Have you ever felt like you're running out of time, or should you be further along in your journey?
Due to our fast-paced lifestyle and 24-hour news cycle, we often succumb to comparison bias, measuring our progress against others.
You are not out of time.
You might think I am too old, not smart enough, or I don't have time or money.
These are limiting beliefs from old programming.
So many men have turned their lives around at every age.
Think you're too old or not smart enough?
Colonel Sanders' journey defies these limiting beliefs, proving it's never too late to redefine success.
Colonel Harland David Sanders founded KFC in his sixties after selling his now-famous Kentucky Fried Chicken for 20 years at a roadside diner in Corbin, Kentucky, during the great depression. Refusing to give up after an interstate highway diverted traffic away from his restaurant, he took his famous eleven herbs and spices on the road. He sold the recipe to restaurants across the country.
Ray Kroc was born in 1902; Kroc was a struggling salesman, selling everything from paper cups to milkshake machines until 1954, at the age of 52. While selling milkshake machines, he discovered a small but teeming burger restaurant run by the McDonald brothers in San Bernardino, California. He convinced the McDonald brothers to franchise their concept and eventually bought them out, transforming McDonald's into the world's leading fast-food chain.
Disclaimer: I am no fast food nut, but these men are a testament to the incredible and life-altering shifts that can happen at any age.
The shift you have to make is getting honest with your reality.
It's time to stop the distractions and start to accept the truth where you are at. That doesn't mean you need to stay here, but it will create enough pain for you to want to shift. Studies show we need an equal amount of pain to move away from and the same amount of pleasure to move towards.
We start to become real with our current situation, behaviours, and choices. It can be excruciating, which is why facing it is challenging. It's likely to kick up blame, denial and justifying where and why our life is like it is. On the outside, life probably looks great to everyone, but you are suffering on the inside, maybe even conflicted, because you should be happy because you have all you want, but it's not enough.
How can you begin your reinvention journey?
Most boys are afraid of the dark; many men fear their darkness.
Inside many men is a scared boy afraid of his own strength; that fear limits his greatness. You have more power than you know to move mountains and bring any idea to life. Use this strength to reinvent your life, to turn the tides that are flowing against you, and to find and live your purpose.
It's time to let the dead parts of yourself go and step into version 2.0.
Write a list of everything in your life you are not happy with. Work, business, family, partner, location, health, body, energy, mental health. Get it all out, feel the emotion of it all and don't suppress it.
Write down how all this is making you feel and its effect on your life.
The fun part is that you can decide who you want to be, how you want to feel, and what you want to do. We rarely sit down and consciously ask ourselves how life could be different. If we do, it's often met with fear and doubt due to our infinite priorities and responsibilities. It can take a life event like death, depression or divorce for us to decide how our future looks. Craft a story of exactly how you want your life to be in every detail. Write it from the perspective that it is the present day, and you are describing how your life is. Creating the mental picture gives us a focal point for our activities and studies and helps us recognise opportunities.
The only task left now is creating action aligned towards your future vision.
Brainstorm ten ideas that will help achieve this vision. Ideas like people you need to speak to, actions that need to be taken or the knowledge you require to learn. Then, pick two that will move the needle the most.
Life will shake us when we are off track; call it divine intervention. Not many men choose to reinvent themselves without a whack from the universe, but why suffer in silence with the risk of dying with regret? My greatest fear is not living to what I was capable of because of fear and doubt.
Reinvention will stretch you; people may dislike the new version of you and more than likely, you might drift away from some people because they aren't onboard your new train.
Remember, learning and starting anything new will be frustrating; know this is a part of the process and embrace the suck. There is gold on the other side.